despite the bitter exterior she exudes, she still hopes that he’ll wait a little longer

난생 처음 엄마의 뱃속에서
nansaeng cheoeum eommaui baessogeseo
Ever since I was born

나의 첫 이사 날을 세곤 했어
naui cheot isa nareul segon haesseo
I counted the days for my first move

희미한 기억 나의 이사의 대가는
huimihan gieok naui isaui daeganeun
I remember, why I had to move

엄마 심장의 기계와 광활한 흉터였어
eomma simjangui gigyewa gwanghwalhan hyungteoyeosseo
The machine in my mom’s heart and the big scar

2010년 그 해 겨울 대구에서
2010nyeon geu hae gyeoul daegueseo
In winter of 2010 at Daegu

철없던 내가 이 세상의 크기를 재곤 했어
cheoleopdeon naega i sesangui keugireul jaegon haesseo
The childish me used to measure the size of the world

상업적이란 집으로 이사간 대가는
sangeopjeogiran jibeuro isagan daeganeun
The reason why we moved into a business

욕 바가지 돈따라기
yok bagaji donttaragi
Was because of all the bad things people said

라며 날 향한 손가락질
ramyeo nal hyanghan songarakjil
saying we follow money

이처럼 이사는 내게 참 많은 걸 남겼지
icheoreom isaneun naege cham manheun geol namgyeotji
So moving left many things with me

그게 좋던 싫던 내 삶
geuge johdeon silhdeon nae salm
Whether I liked it or not

속에서 많은 걸 바꿨지
sogeseo manheun geol bakkwotji
it changed a lot in my life

내 삶은 월세 나도 매달려 알어?
nae salmeun wolse nado maedallyeo areo?
My life was about paying rent, I know

내 자존심은 보증금
nae jajonsimeun bojeunggeum
I lived with my pride

다 건 채 하루를 살어 uh?
da geon chae harureul sareo uh?
put into the down payment, uh

그래서 다시 이사 가려고 해
geuraeseo dasi isa garyeogo hae
So I’m gonna move again

아이돌에서 한 단계 위로 꿈이 잡히려 해
aidoreseo han dangye wiro kkumi japhiryeo hae
I’m gonna have a dream, a level higher than being an idol

이번 이사의 손 없는 날은 언제일까
ibeon isaui son eopneun nareun eonjeilkka
When will I stop having to move again?

빠른 시일이면 좋겠다
ppareun siirimyeon johgettda
I hope it comes quickly

my favorite lyrics that i still have yet to dig in deeply

source: https://alwaysdreaminghigh.com/2015/12/04/bts-bangtan-boys-lyrics-index-korean/

3/4/15

“Why do you like me?”
He asked while writing something on a paper, eyes never faltering in every letter he makes.
“I should ask you the same.”
She said, her attention all on him, always all on him. That caught his attention too.
“But I don’t like you.”
She smiled, as bright as a two-year old lightbulb.
“I know,”
stressing those two syllables. She then stood up and left him hanging.

you are more than a voice
eyes that gazed with much poise
I couldn’t write you in prose
so I was left with no choice
for you are prettier than a rose

I think about you at night
just because you’re the perfect knight
but I am hopeless even with all my might
a reality that pangs with every bite
and only ends with a losing fight

still, I look at you
with eyes that appreciate the view
you are a desirable hue
’cause if it weren’t for you
I’ll still be so blue

01-08-16

new people came,
rushing in my life like a wave
never have i thought what they will bring
only unexpected feelings i thought was buried
i feel so brand new
yet my heart sinks
that the old people in my life will bring me such pain
but they were nothing i expected
another flower bloomed
the rainbow has revealed its beauty
they are a part of me now
somehow, the cracks were patched up
the walls were repainted with a new beginning
the posts were somehow stronger, better
the feeling is new and different
better after fixing yourself
i care so much what i look outside
because people see and judge from that
i wanted to let out what is inside so much
and show them my newly painted walls, my fixed locks
rather than the gates i've kept for so long
only to know they've rusted and is beyond repair
i want to welcome only those who will understand
that people change,
we want new furnitures,
we crave for bright colored walls,
that there could be a change of heart too
not because you wanted
but because you had too
or not because you are fickle
but because you needed too
my old sanctuary was beyond repair
i was too blind and martyr to see through it
now, a new cage was built
i seem to fit right easily
and i can't wait to settle in
and care about less what others might think

It had been a internal battle. I sleep at the earliest time of the night but no one knew how hard my midnights were. I fight myself to sleep only to feel the tears flowing down. Every time I go home, the silence sickens me. My ears can’t hear anything but the cry of a lonely girl who just wished for long-lasting friendships. And the hardest part? I had no one to talk to. I wanted to be invisible and just cry every single moment because I am weak like that. Everyone thinks so too. I was so weak and fragile that no one bothered asking me what was going on. No one bothered telling me that everything will be fine. You ask how I conquered it? I did not. I still feel it crushing every bit of my bones. I still taste betrayal at the tip of my tongue. I’ve mouthed it several times only to find that I haven’t really moved on. Yet, I’m staying. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I still believe in the promises spoken, the hugs exchanged. I still believe that eventually, they will fill the gaps between them while I tend to myself as well.

I clearly remember myself a year ago. It has been nothing but hard and heartbreaking. Every moment I spent felt like I was going to drown any time soon. All the regret turned into the bitter feeling of betrayal. It’s funny that one snap gave me a change of heart. The salty tears were long forgotten and only the bittersweet memories at the back of my mind remained. The scars will always be there just like how my feelings will remain. Above all the thick clouds, the sun shined brightly and gave me a new source of hope, a new source of life. The setbacks cannot be compared to the newfound happiness in me. I still haven’t forgotten the emotions and flowery words that I had in the past. Those beautiful things will never perish; it will only be a mirror of the juvenile feelings I have developed now.

We’ve been told in class that a person’s natural instinct when he is hurt is to stay away from what hurt him. Only martyrs stay. I stayed. I’m enduring for almost two years already but I found a new feeling. I found my safe place. Not something better but something where I know my heart could be in peace. I’ve misjudged a lot of people who found theirs and I’m in that position now. I will accept any judgement and will keep my ground. I will never escape the war but when I feel too fed up, I have a place where I can rest for a while and know that there are people ready to welcome me with open arms.

This night, my chest feels the exact same feelings a year and seven months ago. It’s trembling from fear and worry. It’s faltering and blaming itself, you shouldn’t have trusted and risked something fragile once again. I always think they will be worth it. They will not have the same fate. They will be holding better onto each other, better than what i witnessed before.

Bangtan, let’s stay stronger. Let’s hold onto each other and never give up. We will get through this stronger than before.

I cannot imagine myself with anyone anymore and it’s one of the best feelings I’ll ever have.