Well, each fleeting day is getting sadder and sadder… as usual. i can’t remember the last time i slept and said “Hey! I’m so happy today!” Was it last month? No. Was it two months ago? Probably not. Was it months ago? I don’t know.
I scan my songs. I scroll down through my photos. Seeing how much I invested on them through the years, it suddenly felt tiring. No, not tired that I want to give up, but tired because of these emotions, these negative emotions that wrap me up every time I try to click a song and listen to it. I hear the intro and close it immediately.
I really miss it. I miss those times that I can jam to their songs all day, the days that I can just stare at them and tell myself, “hey, i’m so blessed that i still have you guys complete.”
I remember them in my every waking moment. I hear the sadness in my quiet afternoons. I lull myself to sadness at night because that’s how it is right now.
Why do these things break my heart so much? I always wonder why, but I think today, I finally got my answer. It’s like your biggest dream, something you’ve invested your time, money, effort and even emotions. It makes you the happiest every time you accomplish something, every time you know something new. It becomes your routine, your everyday habit, something very close to the heart and suddenly, your parents tell you, “child, you can’t do this anymore.” That’s it. They’re my biggest dreams. They’re the pillars of my hope. They’re the childhood dreams I grew up with. They’re the superheroes I wish I could be. They’re the side bars that supported me every time I walk. They’re that. They’re whom I wish for every 11:11, they’re the ones I pray for every night. They’re my dreams and now, what is hope if I have no pillars at all?